Will you be there?

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 04:27:58 GMT

Thank you so much for responding, guys. I don't know how to express it, but it makes me feel better.

Tonight was the night. He knew it was coming, he was devastated, cried and begged. I held my ground, but I was sobbing. It's really, really difficult and confusing. I love him enough to want him to be happy and it breaks my heart to see him so sad. But even in the moment, I knew for certain that the kind of love I was feeling for him and still feeling for him is that of a friend. We're not meant to be as a couple. He will realize this some day.

But because he was just such a mess, I told him I will still be here for him. I want to be his friend. I know this is supposedly a huge no no. But I couldn't help it. The part of me that still feels that bond with him wanted so desperately to reach out to him and comfort him.

And that's kind of what I'm doing. He understands that I can't be his girlfriend anymore. I think he will accept it soon. But he doesn't want me completely out of his life and to be honest, I don't want him to vanish either. When enough time has passed, we will be friends. He asked if he could email me in the mean time. I was trying to figure out if that is "against the rules" but in my heart, it felt right. So sure. About a couple hours after the break-up, he emailed me to ask me not to stop talking to him so I sent him a response that came straight from the heart. I made it clear that I am not going to give him false hope and that we're through as far as a relationship goes. But I still care about him and always will. He said that made him feel a little better. Him feeling at least a little better makes me feel A LOT better.

I'm not angry anymore. I have forgiven him. I've established that I don't hate him and I still care about him. But I'm still sad. Not for myself. I feel relieved and I feel free. But I feel really, really sad for him. I want him to stop loving me RIGHT NOW damn it. I want to click my fingers and *poof* everyone's happy. I guess that takes time though.

This is just so new to me. My heart is breaking for him. I'm so freaking sad, I don't mind saying it. But sadness and pity is not enough to hold two people together. Christ, I hate this.

All the Single Ladies & Michael Jackson

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 07:27:47 GMT

God, it is 2 AM and I have a lot of shit to write about...

Last January, I almost dumped Jay. He knew I was extremely uncomfortable with him smoking pot and promised me he would make an effort to quit and also, he would NEVER smoke pot except for at his friend's house where he was living at the time. So about two weeks after making me this promise, Christine calls me because she found out he lost his wallet in the woods where he had been smoking pot. The previous night, he did some heavy drinking and then smoked a bowl, and then wanted to go out driving. Him. Driving while stoned and drunk. Genius. Well, he had broken his promise. And I was very disappointed to hear about him wanting to drive under several influences.

So I was furious and came close to dumping him but he broke down in tears and swore to me he would get his shit together. He promised me he would simply never ever smoke pot again ever. I didn't ask him to do that. He just declared he would never ever smoke pot again. His promise to me. I was supposed to trust him. He knew if he fucked up again, that would be it. Fool me once, ya know? I told him that if he ever smoked pot again, I would take it as him dumping me and our relationship would be over. But he made me believe he would never smoke weed again.

Well...Jay is a very good actor.

I've been feeling nervous about him lately. Apart from a part time job at Stop and Shop, he doesn't do anything but hang out and drink with his friends. He also started getting real chummy with this girl he used to know in grade school. I was afraid of letting him know about my suspicions. He had this way of manipulating me so that if I was mad or had any kind of grievance and I told him about it (which was always hard for me to do) he would very kindly turn it around and turn himself into the victim so in the end, I would be so wrapped up in sympathy or pity for him, I would forget why I was mad in the first place.

He told me his facebook password a long time ago. I never needed it though. Why should I? Well...up until a couple days ago, I never thought I'd ever be logging into my boyfriend's account peeking around. But I felt strongly compelled for some reason. And sure enough...a message from Jay to Kaleigh (the girl I mentioned.)

It's kind of funny to match up a message from last January vs. a message from a couple nights ago:

January 24th 2009:
(In response to me)
"Thank you, Amy. I love you, and I am quitting as of now. No resentment, I swear. I'll prove it. It's really not a big deal for me to quit, by any means. That's all I was trying to say when I claimed that it wasn't addictive. I can stop with ease. I want to be good for you, and if quitting now can make you happy, I've already decided. You are my everything right now.

I love you. "

December 12th 2009
(to Kaleigh)
"Kaleigh, could you do me a favor? I know that you and Amy have been talking, which is awesome, but I gotta let you know now that she kinda doesn't know that I still smoke pot from time to time. There was some shit awhile back where I was like a MAJOR stoner and it wasn't her cup of tea, so I told her I wouldn't smoke (pot) anymore. Honestly, I still don't do it that often, but lately it has helped me with quitting cigarettes.

Anyways, just please make sure that you don't bring anything up around her."

I've already made up my mind. We're done. I have no doubts about that. I should have just dumped his ass last January. I've wasted sooo much time thinking there was something wrong with me because drugs and heavy drinking make me uncomfortable. I tried to accommodate it and ignore it and it has made me depressed. And all for what? I gave myself completely to someone who could just lie to me and betray me and take it all in stride. I haven't talked to him at all since I read that message. I know it was wrong to sneak in there, PS. But right now, I am just to fucking furious to give a shit.

I haven't dumped him yet. But in my heart, he is no longer my boyfriend. I'm just too angry right now and I don't want to be a horrid bitch when it goes down. For some fucked up reason, I want to let him down gently. I just don't know when/how yet.

But...Michael Jackson...

I was a HUGE fan as a wee little kid. I was born in 1986 so it makes sense. When the child molestation charges came out, I totally backed out and turned on him just like everyone else. Then in 2006, Thriller and Smooth Criminal managed to find their way back into my playlist from time to time. I started to like his music again, "but only his music! He's still a sick weirdo!"

His death was sad. Everyone could admit that. And it wasn't until he was gone that we realized how much of an impact he had on music. And it wasn't until a month ago that I realized what an impact he had on humanity! This man gave $300 million to charities! He was a role model for people of all ages. But still...I was wary of the whole child abuse thing. Well I did my own research. You should do your own research too. The man was innocent. I would swear on my life. It's so obvious!!

But anyway, Michael Jackson and his music, his legacy and the example he led in his life has inspired me in such ways that I can't even begin to describe. He was outspoken in his stance against illegal drugs...and yet he still had the love of millions of fans world wide. This has blown my mind. For the longest time, I have been laboring under the notion that there was something wrong with me because pot and heavy drinking scared me and made me uncomfortable. I was conditioned to think that my values were meaningless and that I should wise up and start thinking like everyone else...start getting stoned and stop thinking all together! Yay! (for the record, I never got high. That's where I drew the line.)

But Michael Jackson! The mega star King of Pop...was anti-drugs. He had strong values and after all the shit he went through, he stuck to them. He remained a good person and a good father. That amazes me. And now I find that the way he touches my soul is giving me the strength to do what I have to do. I don't want drugs/heavy drinking to be a part of my life. I don't deserve to be with someone who will treat me like a fool. And suddenly, out of nowhere it seems, I have the strength to end something I thought I wanted for so long. I wanted this relationship so bad, I was willing to completely forsake my own values for someone who can betray me without batting an eye.

I think if it weren't for Michael Jackson's recent inspiration in my life, I wouldn't have found the peace within my mind, my heart and my soul to step outside of my fear and insecurity and see this for what it is. And now, I can start my life again. For me.

It still hurts. A lot. And this won't be easy. Jay loved me so much. I loved him. The first and only guy I've ever been involved with in any way. I was willing to give him the rest of my life. He wanted me to marry him. All that...and pot STILL means more to him than me. I can't tell you how bad that hurts. But I am more than certain that I will have to dump him. I know for sure that I am capable of being whole and complete with out him, as well. I only feel guilty and pity for Jay. I feel hopeful for myself. I think I'll be okay.

And now, I have a new man in my life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AO9k1GKKNU

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 23:12:20 GMT

I think I figured out-- for now-- what I will do with my immediate future. Rocky Horror comes to an end this weekend and I was putting off decision making until then. But I think I've got it now. I WAS going to just dive right into going to WestConn but I always put off finalizing the application process. That's how I know I'm about to second guess a decision. And this time was no exception.

I went with Jimmy to WestConn to see City of Angels. First of all, the commute is just way too long. I can't do that every day and I am absolutely more than positive that I DO NOT want to live with teenagers again. I just can't. No. Wherever I go, it has to be commutable and WestConn is just too far.

So now I'm back to thinking I'll go to Southern. I don't have friends there (that was the biggest attraction to WestConn) but it's only 20 minutes away. I'll make new friends. And I'm going to be happier and friendlier because I won't be forced to live there. Nice.

I'm not going there until the Fall though. I don't like doing a transfer in the middle of the year. I already learned that lesson. This means I have time to go back to Excel to get a temp position that goes from now to next Fall. So just under a year. Of course, there is a local dermatology office desperate for a part-time receptionist. I'll give that a shot first.

But now that I have the time, what with Rocky being over (sad), I can commit to a well-paying job and save money for a car/moving out. Sa-weet!!

Also also, since I'm not going to be at Westconn or any school this Spring, I am free to do RENT at the playhouse. Matt's leaving and he was the one who wanted me as stage manager. I haven't schmoozed enough with the new producer so I'm doubtful she'd contact me again to work on RENT. However, I am very curious about actually performing in it. I'll take some voice lessons to freshen up, try out for Maureen, probably get ensemble, and I will be more than happy :)

Life...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:10:13 GMT

So much to write about...

Mema passed way unexpectedly on October 19th. I can honestly say I am still in denial about it. She was a second mother to me and I'm still not allowing myself to feel it all. So I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

I hate being 23 and living at home and not knowing what I'm doing. Being the stage manager for Rocky Horror is lovely and taught me a lot about what I'm really capable of. I could do this. I DID this. And I am going to be so sad when it ends next weekend.

Finally, this could just be my "womanly time" speaking-- in fact I know it is-- but I feel so paranoid on the relationship front. This being my first relationship, weirdness is normal. It's normal for any relationship. We've been together for over a year and I just feel so normal and safe, but I have nothing to compare it to and actually, I think that makes me lucky. But I never let myself have anything too good. I'm always bracing myself for the worst to happen.

My biggest fear is that I act like a total buzz-kill. I like his friends and as far as I know, they like me. But I party with them less and less these days. A lot of that has to do with me being so busy. It's also expected when you're the daughter of an emotionally-abusive alcoholic. I don't like to be around heavy frat-house style drinking. I can drink from time to time myself. Hell, I was throwing up on my way home from the Halloween party (though that IS because I'm a light weight) But I unexpectedly feel tense around drinking, especially around guys drinking. I could have drinks with girl friends and older people and totally relax and have fun. I get nervous around GUYS drinking. (Daddy issues maybe?) And yes, this includes Jay. Has he ever made me nervous when he's been drinking? Has he ever done something irresponsible when drinking? Has he ever been mean or abusive when drinking? NEVER. In fact, other than him being a little extra silly and then sleepy, you wouldn't even know he's drunk. But I can't help monitoring him. I hate it. I wish I didn't and I wish I could relax. But I get sooo nervous. He could potentially be the person I share my life with and I am so terrified of ending up with someone like my dad.

I've scratched the surface of this issue when talking to Jay about it. He understands, but he only understands what I've shared with him. Mostly I keep this to myself because I'm afraid. Of what, I don't know. He totally 100% gave up smoking pot just to make me happy and never mentioned it again. I have no reason to be afraid. Over one year together and he has never raised his voice at me. He has never put me down. He has never offended me. We've never really even fought. Maybe I should just emphasize the fact that drinking makes me nervous. I'm not saying I'll never drink again and I'm not saying he shouldn't drink either. But maybe if I just let him know I have a fear of being in a relationship/married to someone with a drinking problem...I don't know.

Another REALLY personal thing I probably shouldn't share but will anyway because it's 3 AM and I can't sleep and I'm not thinking clearly...I had a scare back in September. Right around auditions for Rocky Horror.

My period has always come around like clockwork. I could predict the exact day it would come and then wham! Oddly enough, it was supposed to come on September 11th. I was painting my room that day which meant heavy lifting and stress to deal with totally by myself. By that night, I was a mess. My period hadn't come and I immediately feared the worst. I ALWAYS practice safe sex, but there's always that .5% chance, y'know? I called Jay the next day, freaking out of course, but he laughed it off and told me it was probably just stress. The next day- nothing. I broke down crying and confessed to my mom what I was worried about.She told me the same thing happened to her when she was my age and that stressing about it would only make it late. But at the same time, she couldn't deny that she was freaking out a little too. Being pregnant at 23 isn't really scandalous, but Jay and I are in NO shape to have babies! So I wait one more day, still nothing. I go over to Jay's house that night and by now, we are both a little worried. He called a doctor for me to explain the details and see what the odds were. The doctor sad it was almost impossible for me to be pregnant, but you never know.

So I spent that night with Jay, freaking out, but he calmly told me that if it WAS what we feared, he had already made up his mind. He would be behind me and support me unconditionally no matter what I chose. But if I chose to keep it, he would do everything to make it work. Everything. Then his eyes filled with tears, he took my hands and said "I know it would be scary and we're not totally ready but Amy, I can't see myself regretting it." Even in the midst of a shitty situation like that, I don't think anyone has ever said anything that struck me to the core like that before.

Next day, I got my period. So that's the end of that story. But I know the caliber of the man I love. It's a good feeling and I won't ever forget it.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:53:56 GMT

Oh my GOD I am so ready to lose my cool! Bad planning. It was all just bad planning. We can't rehearse a show for 3 weeks and expect to be ready when people keep missing rehearsal. We are just so not ready. And so what do the directors and producers do when they're stressed out? Just make AMY do it! All of it!

I want to rip my hair out. I wanted this experience so I welcomed this BS with open arms. I'll be proud when it's over but right now, I feel like someone will be reduced to tears after I explode tonight. I have a very low BS tolerance right now.

AAAAHHH!!!!!

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:29:40 GMT

ROCKY HORROR rehearsals started last night and I've known for quite some time this is going to be a huge challenge. First of all, it's not much fun being a stage manager without a director. The director won't actually be coming in until tech week. A lot of this is going to be trial and error.

The people in the cast who have returned from last year seemed really depressed last night. The newcomers seemed intimidated. I am feeling overwhelmed. I went in yesterday at 2 to interview a potential ASM. Then I was making copies for 4 HOURS. 4 hours. Standing there making copies. That was fun.

I have a job interview tomorrow for a bakery. Yep. I had been hired for a full time with benefits job at a doctor's office, turned it down to do ROCKY and now I might work at a bakery. As stressful as it is, I still can't convince myself it's wrong.

I want to do ROCKY, even through the shitty times. I desperately want to go back to school in the Spring. I can't do those things if I am tied down to a full time job, especially one 30 minutes away. It's just impossible. What worries me is that certain people in my life *cough*momanddad*cough* know that I have the capacity to be hired for a full time office job and instead, I'm working at a bakery. But my education is at the top of my priority list and the Playhouse is second to that. I'm still young and if I am going to have to eventually settle for a job I hate but pays the bills, I don't want to do that now. I haven't lived enough yet.

If I'm a bakery girl by day and stage manager by night, student in the spring...so be it. I'm not bringing in the big bucks by any stretch of the imagination, but there will be time for that later.

Yay n such!

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 03:20:20 GMT

I'm tired but I just want to write how happy I am!! I had a meeting with Geoff, Julie and Alisson to discuss potential interns and in walk Kellen and Dylan! Yay! Happy reunion! It's sooo weird to be working with HCC people since I'm not a student anymore, but weird in a good way. Like Geoff said, I'm not their peer. I'm the professional. They have to report to me. But I'm just so happy to see them! I was sooo worried it would be certain students I've worked with who I never ever want to work with again. *cough*Colin*cough* I was just soo happy and relieved to see Dylan and Kellen! Awesome!

This is going to be fun :)

Now I have to go to another meeting tomorrow morning because Julie got a call from some creepy dude who wants to volunteer. She has to interview him but... major creepy vibes. So I am going to go there tomorrow morning just to keep an eye on things. Julie was afraid to be in the theater alone with this guy...don't know what I can do if things go awry, but strength in numbers I suppose.

Stuff!

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:49:54 GMT

OMG update!

I just finished making my own mood theme. I'm suddenly all about my LJ so I'm in the process of cleaning it up. Eventually, I want to have all my own icons that I made. Mood theme took for-freaking-ever too. Ugh.

Meeting with Geoff (woo!) and Alisson tonight to discuss which HCC students can work on ROCKY. My opinion matters! I'm still not used to that LOL Meeting tomorrow morning just so Julie won't have to be alone at this theater with some creepy guy who wants to volunteer. I'm just going to hover in case he really is creepy. Judging by what she said, it seems like she's getting worked up over nothing. He might be awkward, but so far I haven't heard anything to suggest he's creepy. Still, if she feels better having me there I'll go. Meeting Monday for possible assistant for MEEE! Then the rehearsals begin.

I don't know how to feel. I go back and forth from feeling like I will be better than their last stage manager (I hear she was an ignorant bitch) to feeling a bit intimidated. There are some big personalities and I do get flustered sometimes. But I feel like I will be stronger once the experience is over, especially if it's going to be really challenging. However, I feel like after Anon(ymous), I can handle anything. So we'll see.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 21:04:23 GMT

"CIA interrogators threatened to kill the children of one detainee at the height of the Bush administration's war on terror and implied that another's mother would be sexually assaulted, newly declassified documents revealed Monday as the government launched a criminal investigation into the spy agency's "unauthorized, improvised, inhumane" practices." AP

I suppose it would be unpatriotic of me to express my disgust. It's okay to threaten the life of a child if you're an American soldier, though. Of course. We're Americans. When we go overseas, we have every right to shed human decency and behave like animals. We're Americans! Better than everyone else! We answer to no one! We're at the top!

I'm so angry right now and I no longer have anywhere to direct my anger. Well...I suppose I could go shoot paint balls at the Crawford Ranch in Texas. I just don't understand this. Obama is president so suddenly all of the mistakes of the last 8 years are HIS mess to clean up ALONE and he's not doing it fast enough so he's instantly the worst president EVER! As for Bush, he can get away with it. Obviously. I just suddenly have this urge to track him down and humiliate him in the worst way. Who's with me?!

Hurm...

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 02:07:55 GMT

I'm still looking for part time work and I'm broke so I'm stressing about that, but I am looking forward to Rocky Horror. I'm meeting with the producer soon because he said he's going to want my input on a lot of things. The director won't be working on the show until closer to the performances, so the producer will be acting as director until then. And for some reason, he's going to want me to put in more of my opinions etc than a stage manager normally would. But hey, I'm not complaining. That's pretty cool actually.

I'm waiting around for 1. Responses to the millions of applications/resumes I have sent out 2. Matt to call me and summon my genius for Rocky Horror and 3. An appointment to talk to someone at WCSU about next semester.

Despite the stress over lack of money and employment, I still feel so much better now that theater is my business again. I have inner peace simply knowing I'm doing what I should be doing. That is a good feeling. A damn good feeling!

This heat is getting to me, though. I want to take advantage of this free time so I can work on some of my stories, but I can hardly concentrate. I feel so crappy. Slight headache, groggy, nausea...not fun. I think I'm dehydrated. That happens to me a lot. I'm like the little girl in Signs who is picky about her drinking water.

The Job Saga

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 21:02:07 GMT

Really long story under the cut...

Okay, so that job I got. Yesterday was my first day. Getting up at 5:30 every day to get to Norwalk by 7:30. That's torture. EVERY DAY. I get there and take a tour. Then I learn, hey, SURPRISE! I'm going to be expected to make it to Ridgefield or the Norwalk Hospital for 7:30 on very short notice or no notice at all. If someone calls out sick at the hospital, guess where I'm going! If I DO get advanced warning, that means getting up at 5.

I ignore those worries so I can focus on my training. Working for 6 doctors means crazy busy, but I was ready for it. Had to learn the new electronic system. Why did we go electronic instead of using charts? Easier to send to other doctors and it doesn't waste paper. Doesn't waste paper?! I'm sitting there taking several pages from each new or annual patient, scanning them, and then THROWING THEM AWAY. How does that save paper?! We certainly put a lot of faith in our technology, don't we. What if the computers crash? We will have NO records of ANY patients. Wasn't like that at Dr. Perlman's.

The kicker is, these doctors are like whinny, impatient little boys. They each have their own nit-picky, eccentric ways about them that we have to adhere to. One doctor refuses to look at the history for a patient. He doesn't have time, damn it! That could have taken 30 whole seconds!!! NEVER attach a one page history to that doctor's patient's chart. ALWAYS attach a history for the other doctors. Jesus H. One doctor terrifies the other staff. Another receptionist I was working with was petrified because she had to ask him a question. He is VERY selective of what patients he will see. If he sees a woman through her whole pregnancy but she has another doctor deliver, he refuses to see her. Weird shit like that. Just so he can feel like he's in control and above the world! mwahaha! So she attaches a sticky note to the patient's chart and leaves it on his desk.

He comes storming through the front desk, doesn't even say hi or anything to the new girl (me) and yells at her in front of everyone. "WHAT IS THIS!?" waving around the chart. Get a grip you fucking penis wrinkle! I was disgusted. I don't care if you went to med school for 7 years. You DON'T treat the people who help you like dog shit, okay? And I'm supposed to work for this asshole? The receptionist who was training me decides to leave me alone at 4:30 to see if I can handle things by myself. And I did. But that was shitty of her.

On the hour long commute home in bumper to bumper traffic, I am fighting the urge to cry. Maybe I'm just tired or stressed. But I'm slowly losing the battle in my mind where I tried to convince myself this could be my life. Work here for 2 years and maybe move up in the medical field until I start making good money. Nevermind going to back to finish my BA at a fantastic theater program where ALL my friends are. Nevermind the fact that I had so many teachers and students put all their faith in me and promise me I would always have a future in the theater. I don't know. I got anxious. I started thinking I'll be living at home when I'm 30. So I jumped the gun. Forget school and forget theater. Join the work force and be done with it. Start the end of my life today! Suddenly, I was filled to the brim with regret.

When I got home and everyone wanted to know how my first day was, I tried to play it off like I was tired. But I opened my email and found out that the producer from Playhouse on the Green wants me to be his stage manager for the Rocky Horror Show. I burst into tears. Stage manager. Professional level. Will I get paid? Yes. A lot? Hell no. Would I be happy? Yes. Will it help me get more jobs in the theater? Yes. Would I be able to commit to the Playhouse and then go to WCSU in the Spring? Yes.

Do I want to stay at the doctor's office just because it SEEMED like the right thing to do? No.

So I quit. One day. And I quit. To some it may seem foolish, but I can get a part time job closer to home and do my job at the playhouse at night. And fuck what everyone else thinks or what everyone else is doing. It's not worth fitting in if it means you're slowly but surely killing your soul for the rest of your life. When I went into the office today to officially resign after only one day, the office manager was actually nice about it. She said "if you have a passion for it (theater), you have a passion for it." :)

Everyone is behind me in this. Jay, Mom, Katie, Jimmy, Christine. Other relatives. They're proud of me for following my heart. Pretty much everyone is in my corner. Except dad. He's really pissed at me. Day 2 of him not talking to me. Fine. I'm numb to that shit now. I've had a taste of selling out and giving up on what I was put on this earth to do. I can't live like that and I won't. This means I won't be moving out with Katie too soon, especially if I want to finish college. But I think that's a little more important. Jimmy's gonna be home for a while so if he's here, I can tolerate it. I'd rather be stuck here at home while I'm out striving for what I REALLY want in life than have the money to move out only to condemn myself to a life of routine and misery.

I'm gonna be the stage manager at the Playhouse on the Green. I am going to get a part time job in Fairfield. I am going to finish my BA in theater. Then I am going to marry Jay. And then who knows? But that's ALL I want. Why should I forsake any of that?

Back again

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 19:38:00 GMT

I deactivated my Facebook page because it was driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just too sensitive, but I need to get away from a thing like that. I blow things waaay out of proportion. I freak out over who says what. If someone posts something negative or iffy, I either get paranoid or jealous or worried...I just don't need that. It was seriously giving me anxiety. I've found myself in the middle of too many tiffs and fights over facebook misunderstandings. Who needs it?

I know some people on my friends list would get upset and take it personally. But if you're REALLY my friend, then you should have my number and my *gasp* email. Yeah, remember email?? What's so friggin hard about that?!

So I'll probably use LiveJournal more now. Another thing that bothered me about facebook is that everyone's page is the same. You don't really get to express yourself there. I had to monitor everything I said because I knew certain people might take certain things the wrong way. I wanna be off the facebook grid so...I'm done.

And now for what's been going on in my life:

I got a new job and I start Tuesday. I'm the new receptionist at Women's Healthcare of New England. It seems like I'll be busy, but the work is doable. I hope that by this time next year, I will already have moved out.

The thing is, Katie and I have always planned on moving out and getting a place together and that's still the plan, but once Jay finds a better job and makes more money, then he and I will be looking for a place together. So although it's a bit confusing, we're all on the same page and Katie knows that we may not actually be living together for too long before Jay and I get a new place together. But we'll take it as it comes.

So I've been feeling weird about life in general. I don't know if I'll go back to school for theater or not. I'm going to be working for a while, but I have nothing else planned. I may want to go to school to be an ultrasound tech. They make good money. I'm so on the fence about things. And childhood is long gone. I just woke up one day and *poof* grown up. Well, sort of.

Jay is really the only certainty in my life. I wuv him sooo much :) That's enough rambling for now I guess. Time to spruce things up here at the old LJ and get back in touch. Feels good not to be a facebook zombie anymore.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 16:58:23 GMT

Mood: Thankful
Music: Watching the Wheels- Vitamin String Quartet

Weird times, man, weird times. It seems that by existing, I randomly piss people off. Without warning, people just decide they've had enough of me, I'm no longer of any use so I can just fuck off. Here's my weird fucking day yesterday:

I wake up because Katie is throwing a fit like a 4 year old because she can't get through HER OWN mess in the closet. There's no room for any of my stuff in there. It's all her shit. She's the only one that uses the closet. Mind you, yesterday was my day off. I NEEDED it.

But because Katie is mad at me because she can't sort out HER OWN mess, I spend the entire day yesterday cleaning the whole house, top to bottom. I had a headache and I was tired, but I did it anyway.

Dad comes home, doesn't say anything to me at all. He just goes up stairs and starts drinking. Doesn't even say hi. That's nice. Katie comes home and does pretty much the same thing. Mom comes home and before she notices how hard I worked, she starts giving me a list of more shit to do so that SHE can start drinking and won't have to drive anywhere. But when I explain to her how tired I am, she helps me out. At last, someone with a little compassion.

Then Jimmy calls me telling me to get his head shot and resume updated and ready to go out to Roundabout. For some reason, he calls when he only has 10 seconds to talk so when I need him to clarify something important he needs me to do, he gets mad at me because he doesn't have time. I'm helping him out and getting my head bit off at the same time.

Jay couldn't hang out last night so I'm chatting with him online instead, but I think I was being kind of bitchy. When we're done chatting, he thinks I'm mad at him. 4 AM and I have yet to fall asleep. I smell something burning. Katie the genius got drunk, started making noodles and fell asleep on the couch, leaving the noodles to burn. The house was filled with smoke but the detector didn't go off. I open the windows, turn on the fan over the stove and just throw the pot of noodles outside because...it's a wreck.

No one woke up. I'm coughing up a lung taking care of this, and no one else even notices. If I had gone out, I probably would have stayed over Jay's house. I wouldn't have been home to take care of that. What the hell would have happened!?!

Jay calls me this morning before he has to go to work to make sure I'm okay, make sure I'm not mad at him. He wants me to tell him everything that makes me upset whether it's because of him or not. No one's ever said that to me. No one ever wants to hear me out when I'm upset. He's the only one who takes my feelings seriously and I took out my anger on him. I'm just feeling like crap. But I assured him I'm not mad, and he totally understands what was going on with me last night. So it's all good. If I didn't have him, I don't know what I'd do.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:24:54 GMT

Mood: Loved
Music: Riverdance

Just wanted to write something positive to balance all my bitching and moaning as of late.

Life is good. I love my boyfriend so freaking much it's not even funny. God damn. I get to see him tonight which is exciting because I've been too busy to hang out with ANYONE as of late. He's a sweetie and a goof and I wuvs him :)

I'm having fish and chips for dinner tonight. That is fantastic.

I'm going to graduate from HCC at the end of this semester.

It's the weekend! YAAY!!! :)

Time to gripe

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:04:16 GMT

Mood: Moody
Music: Watching Little Women

At 3:00, I have to go to the Playhouse on the Green which is a local theater. I'm an intern there and I usually go 2 or 3 times a week. Then right after, I go to class until 9:30, theater arts practicum. I'm stage manager for the play this semester.

I'm generally having a good time but it's frustrating on certain levels. On the Playhouse front, I don't do anything worth mentioning. I clean or I put info into the computer in the box office and then I escort the kids to their classes. That's about it. When Geoff set me up for this, he said I'd be doing things with the design crew, I'd be working backstage and doing some cool stuff. But that is not what I am doing at all. I only have a month left so I might as well stick it out, but it's painfully boring and I'm disappointed with that.

On the school front, while I enjoy being stage manager, I'm frustrated because I'm just not close with anyone there. It is my own fault because I'm reluctant to hang out with people when I know I won't be comfortable with the sort of things they do i.e. heavy drinking and getting high. I'm just really disappointed with that as well. When I used to hang out with my old HCC friends, I never had to worry about crap like that. For us, it was about the art of theater even when we were hanging out on our own free time. We knew how to have real fun and I think that contributed to how close we were. We genuinely loved each other in those days. But the new HCC students are kind of like high school all over again. Stupid drama, loud and obnoxious, trying as hard as possible to get in trouble. I'm going to be 23 in a few weeks. That sort of thing just doesn't jive with me.

I know I always come off as a prude on this journal. I'm not really. There's just no room for normal anymore. Either you party hard core and you do drugs and you drink as much as you can until you're on the verge of alcohol poisoning, or you're a prude. There is no middle ground anymore. And frankly, I have always gotten the impression that people on the "prude" side of the spectrum are not worth anyone's time.

The whole thing disgusts me.

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 04:25:06 GMT

Mood: Dorky
Music: Watching Nightmare Before Christmas

Soooo it's Christmas Eve and I am tired but I just wanted to post about how much I am into Disney at the moment and now I'm trying out a new mood theme! Yay! We were just talking about "zen movies" like what we always watch when we're feeling down or whatever. My answer is Disney movies. Pretty much anything between Little Mermaid and Treasure Planet works for me. :)

Christmas will be good. I hope. Jay got me a beautiful gold necklace which I LOVE. Now I've just got to spend two days without him and instead, I get to entertain a hoard of drunk relatives....yay? Ah well. I love 'em anyway...

Merry Christmas!!

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:41:05 GMT

I LOVE JAY!!!!

:)

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:26:00 GMT

I just want to complain about money if I may. Right now that is the biggest problem in my life. The play is coming to an end and it oddly doesn't bother me much anymore. There's nothing to be done at this point.

Money. When I was working at Old Navy, I was earning so little that I couldn't afford anything anyway and I was always getting suckered out of my money like when my laptop got a virus and I have to pay to get it fixed, like having to pay a grand total of $80 for my own costumes for a play in a class that I already paid $400 for.

I seriously need a job. But for all the Christmas shopping I've got to do...I'm screwed. I'm already knitting scarves for 2 people, but I won't have time to make more. What the hell am I gonna do!?

Ok. I'm done.

Lots of stuff

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 15:15:34 GMT

1. Yay! Obama won!

While I'm totally excited and proud, I don't expect everything to instantly fix itself. It's gonna take a loooong time. But still, everything has already changed. At least for me. For the first time in my life, being an American actually means something to me. It's a new feeling I have never, ever felt before.

2. I NEED to quit my job!

Those bitchtards are working my last nerve. I had to work Saturday AND Sunday this week. I missed Jimmy's last show of Rocky Horror last night because I was working. And I have to go back to work today as well. That's insane. I get no respect or appreciation. It's not like I have a huge ego, but it'd be nice NOT to be treated like shit while I'm breaking my back and surrendering ALL of my free time in return for a pathetic little paycheck that really only amounts to pocket change at the end of the day.

I have missed out on soooo much these last couple of months and have absolutely NOTHING to show for it. No money, no rewarding experiences, nothing learned...well that's not entirely true. I have learned that customers are cruel, self-centered people who get a power fix by putting workers down every chance they get because it makes them feel big.

I refuse to sacrifice my entire holiday season for Old fucking Navy. They don't deserve another minute of my time. But I'm afraid to quit. They are going to be really nasty with me because I'm leaving before the holidays. They own me. They truly own my life.

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 13:34:29 GMT

I don't know what's going on but life kind of sucks right now in a big way. If I didn't have Jay, I think I'd be miserable ALL of the time instead of only most of the time. I hate my job sooo much and practicum sucks as well.

Old Navy blows. I have to go to work at 5 am on the day after Thanksgiving on from then until Christmas, we close at midnight. The managers are disrespectful and don't care about the workers at all. I never, ever have enough help and find myself running around constantly overwhelmed. My hours suck because I have NO free time left and I always have to work the weekends. It's not worth it for what little they pay me.

I can't sleep anymore because I'm always startled right out of my sleep thinking I'm only on break and that I have to get back to work.

I had a choice today between voting and going to work. I chose to vote. I was going to have work from 8-4 and then school from 5-9. I wouldnt have had time to vote. So fuck Old Navy. I can tell they were pissed when I called too but I don't care. This is way too important. God, I am so sick of that job!

I want to quit so bad but I can't find work anywhere else. Anything else would either be another fucking retail job or something I'm not qualified for. But I need to find something else. There is no way around it. I'm lucky I still live at home because I don't have rent and bills to pay but if I don't save any money, I'll never get out of here.

This year's practicum class has officially made me decide that I don't like acting anymore. It has become a chore. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Oh well. To all my American LJ friends...GET OUT AND VOTE!

Neat

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 22:49:37 GMT

You preferred Obama's statements 100% of the time

Voting purely on the issues you should vote Obama

Who would you vote for if you voted on the issues?

Find out now!

Leaving for Nantucket on Friday around 4 AM. I still have a lot of cleaning to do. Instead of finding and washing clothes for the trip, I'm going to finally use my employee discount at Old Navy tomorrow. 40% off. Pretty friggin sweet. So I'm just going to buy new clothes for the weekend instead of finding a bunch of dirty clothes that won't dry in time. Makes sense to me.

I should start cleaning and getting ready tonight...but no. Going out with the boyfriend instead. Because I'm gonna miss him this weekend :(

Rough day

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 03:48:04 GMT

So I had work from 1:00 to 5:00 this afternoon. I'm driving along, about 1 minute away from work when I come to this busy street. I am always careful on this busy street. Long story short, this guy pulls out of the bank parking lot trying to make a left turn without even looking and smashes the right side of my car.

I've never gotten into an accident before so I tried to pull over to get out of the crazy traffic. But he got the front right tire of the car pretty good so I couldn't even move the car at all. So right as I switch on the emergency flashers and get my cell phone out, he comes up to my car...and he's weirdly calm. He makes sure I'm ok, says he's sorry and that he knows it's all his fault. It sucks that this happened at all, but I'm lucky he was calm and honest about what happened. So he goes to move his car back into the parking lot and I call 911. Then I called work to tell them I'd just been in an accident so I wouldn't be going in, obviously.

For this being my first accident, I was surprised at how calm I was. I didn't even cry! I mean, I was kind of shocked at first but after about 5 minutes, I was totally in control of what was going on, and I was just as calm as the other guy. We waited for the cops to come and I called my parents to come pick me up since I'd need to get my car towed. I told the cop my side of the story but he assured me that we all knew it was the other guy's fault so as long as I was ok, I didn't really have too much to worry about. So my parents come to the scene and of course my mom feels sorry for the guy, since he is only 1 year older than me anyway, and then the tow truck comes to take my car away. So the cops give me my paper work and stuff for insurance. It was all cleared up in under an hour.

I come home, mom makes me my favorite comfort foods for dinner, I watch Kenneth Branagh's Frankenstein and Sleepy Hollow to take my mind off stuff, I take a bubble bath, and here I am just chillin' on the computer.

And that was my day. Ugh.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:23:22 GMT

So after all my bitching about not having a job and money, my agency called me this morning. I went to a work today and I also have to work tomorrow and that's it. And I'm getting pretty good money for it. I'm in charge of packaging some products to send to the guest list of some big awards ceremony coming up. I don't remember what it is, but the work is kind of monotonous, but still better than having to answer phones and dealing with people. I'm a little gun-shy after working at the doctor's office for 3 years.

I'm good with this set up though. Just working a couple days here and there. It's good to have a change of scenery each time I go to a job for a few days at a time. If I had to go to the same office 5 days a week from 9-5, that would drive me nuts. It did drive me nuts. I like it better this way.

Looks like Obama is gonna get the nom! Woo hoo!! XD

thoughts on Tonys/stuff in general

Fri, 16 May 2008 03:54:13 GMT

Soooo the only new show I got into was Cry-Baby but of course it was the show that bitchy theater queens loved to hate this season. So while I was prepared for Cry-Baby to fail and not get a single Tony nomination, it ended up getting 4: best score, best book, best choreography and best musical!!! YES! Kiss my ass, theater snobs!!! YEAH!!

Wanna know what else sweetens and already sweet deal? Young Frankenstein was basically snubbed. They only got nominated for set design and two featered actors. That really makes up for last year when Pirate Queen was totally snubbed. Take that Young Frankenstein!! :p

I had a job interview on Tuesday. Well, it was more like an interview for a temp agency and they'll basically call me when they find a job for me. It's a good deal because now I don't have to look for a job anymore. They'll do that for me. And they have to. Because if I don't get a job, they don't get paid.

So Tuesday after the interview, we went to the city because I reserved tickets for the Daily Show. However, they ran out of seats so we got turned away. But they also pre-registered us for VIP tickets for next time so I still get to see the show. So instead, we went to see Cry-Baby instead. 3rd time for me. I love that show. It's just sooo much fun and if you'll allow a little shallowness on my part, there is a very HOT male ensemble! Plus James Snyder's pretty damn easy on the eyes as well. But that's not the reason I love the show! I swear! I just love the music and dancing, it makes me laugh each time and it's just very entertaining.

Since I'm still waiting for a job and it might take a couple weeks for one to come up, I have some free time on my hands. I spent 3 hours deep cleaning my room today. I'm glad I got that done. So now I am exhausted. Shower then bed. Nighty night!!

jobs and such

Tue, 13 May 2008 01:59:44 GMT

I updated my profile on monster.com last night and today I got a call from a temp agency. So now I have an interview tomorrow and I need to bring a resume and two forms of ID. Katie got jobs through the same agency and she said that tomorrow, all I'm going to do basically is have an interview in which they get an idea for what sort of job they can stick me with. Then I have to take some sort of computer exam which I am only a tad nervous about because the last time I took a computers class was my freshman year in high school.

So it's good to get the ball rolling on looking for a summer job. I thought it'd be fun to have some sort of retail job or something, but I decided it'd be better to get an office job so that I don't get stuck working nights, holidays and weekends this summer. That would suck.

So I guess after I have my interview tomorrow, I wait around until they find a job for me. I wanted to have more of a break before getting a job, but if I wait too long the good jobs will be gone. And it's not much of a relaxing break when I'm constantly stressed about not having a job.

But one thing is for sure, childhood is LONG gone. I had a summer office job last year as well so this isn't really a huge first, but that was a job I had since my freshman year of college so it was a different atmosphere.

I wanted to do some writing tonight but I need to work on my resume and practice a bit with some Microsoft Office programs. So I'm glad that I have something on my plate already, but I'm only a little nervous about the interview. But I get nervous about EVERYTHING and as far as getting nervous goes, it's not too bad.